a modest proposal

for unwanted impotencies

Here is a modest proposal for unwanted impotencies:

DON’T HAVE A DICK IN THE FIRST PLACE

Hear me out.

If you never wanted to have an unplanned impotency, then maybe you should have thought about that when you chose to have a dick in the first place. Dicks are meant to create erections and if you are incapable of doing that, then you need to live with the consequences. 

And besides, a flaccid dick is still a dick, which is a sacred thing. 

Does not a flaccid dick have blood running through it? Does not a flaccid dick piss? Does not a flaccid dick feel pain? 

And if you still insist on not embracing the miracle that is your flaccid penis, you can terminate your unwanted impotency with Viagra. However, in the State of Louisiana, you only qualify for Viagra if your penis measures six inches when fully erect. 

Look, I understand that six inches is above the average length of American dicks, but we had to ask ourselves: what constitutes a penis? And six inches was the heartbeat of the answer. If you have a problem with that, well then maybe you should have been born into a family with a bigger penis portfolio. 

And if you’re having a hard time (no pun intended) detecting an erect measurement of a flaccid dick at six inches, I’m not really sure what to tell you other than—once again—you should have thought of that when you chose to have a dick in the first place. 

But don’t worry. There are some exceptions. We’re not total monsters. You are more than welcome to bypass the six-week-I-mean-six-inch rule if your flaccid penis is considered sex-life-threatening.

HOWEVER, what constitutes “sex-life-threatening” will most likely be determined by the powerful pro-penile lobby that advocates for the full legal protection of flaccid penises. And they tend to prioritize the life of flaccidity over fucking.

Also let’s be real. When has a flaccid dick ever hurt anyone? And why should the flaccid dick have to pay? The flaccid dick did not choose to be flaccid. 

Anyway, that’s it. That’s the one exception. 

You’re out of luck if you can’t get it up because you were overserved and forced to drink against your will. But that shouldn’t be a problem anyway because I heard that men’s bodies can somehow block unwanted impotencies in cases of legitimate whiskey dick.

Also, a little word to the wise: it’s looking like Viagra is about to be banned completely in Louisiana, so you should probably stockpile for your limp dick. 

I know, I know, I’m sorry. Nobody likes strangers talking openly about their penile dysfunction and you probably think it should be your business and nobody else’s, but that’s where you’re wrong. The right to privacy does not apply to flaccid penises because flaccid penises aren’t deeply rooted anywhere. Not in my vagina and definitely not in the nation’s history and tradition. 

Don’t come crying to me! It’s not my fault the people making the laws are victims of unwanted impotencies. 

I know this may seem unfair, especially since 18 million men in the United States are affected by erectile dysfunction, but there are plenty of ways to solve this problem without access to Viagra:

• You could go into a porn hole until you find something that works for you (you won’t get paid time off for that).

• You could maybe get a dick implant (those aren’t subsidized).

• You could ask your partner for help spicing things up (they’re under no obligation to pay for sex toys). 

• You could try and tackle the underlying medical causes, like heart disease or diabetes (none of that’s covered under your health insurance). 

Honestly, you probably just need to learn to live with it and accept the consequences of your flaccidness. Because never forget, a penis is a beautiful blessing and you’re lucky to have one, even if it is flaccid. 

Just don’t bring it around me because it’s not my responsibility to help you with it. I’m not handing jobs to penises that can’t carry their own weight. 

Besides, my father’s penis and my father’s father’s penis pulled itself up from its condom straps and yours is going to have to do the same. 

That’s the American way.