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Two announcements before we get to stuff:
Please read the latest installment of the Louisiana Abortion Archives here. You can submit your story here. Thank you to everyone who has been brave enough to share. Never stop talking. Never stop telling your story. This community sees you and appreciates you.
TODAY IS LAUNCH DAY FOR NAH BRAH MERCH!! (scroll down for more merch content) I have worked long and hard on making this happen and I’m really proud of all of it. The Kennedy shirt and the rude tote have officially become staples in my wardrobe, especially for when planning excursions to metry brah. I hope you like it and buy some shit!
Last night I had a dream that I was hiking (I think) on some kind of highway, for some reason walking along the shoulder. I was alone, but I was in a long, intermittent progression of people. I realized the guy in front of me was holding a semi-automatic, and in that dream-like way, I knew he had the intention to do harm. I turned around and ran as quickly as I could away from him, running through a steady stream of people. I was so scared that as I opened my mouth to warn them, nothing came out. All I could do as I ran away was whisper a course “run” over and over again. I ran as hard as I could, saying “run” with every step, although it felt like it was expelled involuntarily out of my throat, eyes wide and unblinking.
The man with the gun turned around when he noticed I was running away and warning everyone. It pissed him off, and he started coming after me, somehow now on a bike, so no matter how quickly I ran, I couldn’t outrun him. He biked leisurely beside me as I ran with all my strength, not making any progress. He started taunting me, knowing that I couldn’t escape him, knowing that I could do nothing to protect myself or the people around me.
That was when my dog woke me up because he needed to go out. I don’t know what happened to that version of Marcelle in my dreams. I can still feel her fear.
I’ve had a few dreams like that lately—the common denominator being fear. The last one, a couple of weeks ago (post Roe reversal), was that I had to have an abortion. I don’t remember why, but it was non-negotiable. After the procedure, I was so scared of getting caught that I put the aborted fetus in my backpack to hide the evidence, and for the rest of the dream I was on the run from the cops.
Right now, I’m reading a book written by Tim Miller, a good friend of mine ever since our best friends met and married eleven years ago. It’s called Why We Did It: A Travelogue from the Republican Road to Hell. Tim, obviously, is a former Republican who worked for the likes of McCain, Huntsman, and Jeb Bush before moving on as spokesman of the RNC, working closely with Sean Spicer and Reince Priebus before their descendance into the orange hellscape.
The book is a deep dive into how and why “reasonable Republicans,” my friend Tim included, enabled the rise of Trump and then went along with him for as long as they did, allowing him to do even more harm. It’s about their rationalizations, their justifications, their ambitions, etc. Tim didn’t go as deep down the rabbit hole as many of his friends did. As a gay man, he ultimately couldn’t square his professional rationalizations with his personal identity and he left the party, becoming a leading Republican voice against Trump’s candidacy and then his presidency. He took to the cable news circuit blasting him until he eventually had to leave DC, run out by an angry, orange man, and move to Oakland with his husband. Which is where he eventually abandoned the party, came to terms with his complicity, and wrote this book, to hold himself and his friends accountable. I highly suggest you read it.
One of the themes of the book is about how the “reasonable Republicans” fed what Tim calls “red meat”—a recipe of fear mongering and conspiracy winks—to the base for years and years in order to shore up political gains. They didn’t think much about it, and they certainly didn’t believe the shit they said, but it was just the way things were done. Say what you need to say to rile up the base and get that extra fundraising buck and that extra electoral seat. Certainly, everyone understands this is just standard political practice. Certainly, nobody takes this shit seriously.
But, as we know, they did. And before they knew it, they created a monster. A literal monster.
I’m not naïve enough to think that fear mongering is a tactic used only by the right. It is inherently political and has been used by a variety of politicians and political operatives since the beginning of time. And knowing that, I have done my best not to indulge collective fear (or rage) for the sake of likes and social media engagement. I have done my best not to demonize Republicans as a whole, instead focusing on the people in power who are actually casting the votes to fuck us and dissecting the ideology behind it. I have done my best not to use exaggerated fear as a political weapon.
Reading Tim’s book, I have realized that I have not always succeeded in that endeavor, which inspires me to continue to try to elevate the political narrative so we can get beyond this “us versus them” that is going to be the demise of all of us. It has convinced me even more that aggrandizing false fear is dangerous.
But.
Also.
Not all fear is false. And regardless of whether the threat behind the fear is real or not, the perception of fear is always real. And we know that politicians and the powers that be will never stop using fear mongering as a political tactic. So, the real skillset needed here is to discern which is which. When we feel fear, we have to take a deep breath, ground ourselves, and figure out if the threat behind the fear is real or not.
And when we find that the threat is real—as it is right now—we have to remember that fear (and rage) can be instructive. In my life, I have found that while fear of doing something new or venturing into the unknown can be prohibitive, the fear of staying static or remaining in a situation that is harmful to me is often several times more inspiring to make the necessary changes. The latter always trumps the former.
This will not be our reality forever.
We will use our fear and our rage wisely.
We will fight.
We will change the world.
Now, buy some merch!
